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Cavadus

Cav's "Gonna Get You Laid" Recipes

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This post is the start of a new weekly tradition for... me. As most of you are, I'm sure, completely unaware, I loves to cook. A lots. In fact, if it wasn't for my smokin' culinary and wine pairing skills I'd probably get it on with the ladies a lot less. I mean yeah, I'm funny, attractive, super out going, and always have the best "gotta look over your shoulder first" type jokes, but some times you just really need to seal the deal to get the goods.

Now, my extremely sexist and chauvinistic intro aside, I present to you the best recipes I've come across amid my frolicking...

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Cav's Original Vodka Tomato-Cream Sauce
This one will blow anyone right the fuck over. It's not my personal favorite dish but it is the one people most go ape shit over. It's damn good. Without further adieu...

Ingredient Cost: ~$50.00
Time to Cook: ~40 minutes


Ingredients



  • 1 28oz can of crushed tomatoes, fire roasted if possible
  • 1 of those small cans of tomato paste
  • 1 large yellow onion
  • black olives
  • capers (in brine)
  • crushed red pepper flake
  • rosemary
  • oregano
  • basil
  • marjoram
  • 1 cup of chicken broth
  • 1 cup of a dry red wine: I prefer a Nebbiolo, Corvina, or Montepulciano though you can make do with a heathen Gaul vintage. Stear clear of Chianti. It just doesn't work.
  • 1 shot of vodka (don't go overboard with this shit because even just doubling this to 2 shots will seriously fuck up your dish and make it completely inedible, I'm not kidding)
  • 1 pint of heavy whipping cream
  • 2 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts
  • 1 normal package of bacon, thickest cut you can find or, and this is what I prefer, just a 1 lb slab of uncut bacon cut how you like
  • Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Directions

***DO NOT SALT THIS DISH AT ANY POINT***



  • Take your bacon and microwave it. That's right, microwave the shit. I'm not kidding. I always microwave my bacon. The reason for this is that unless you have some grease for the first few pieces they will come out exceptionally crunchy which I don't like and will just fall apart in the sauce. You want the bacon to be that perfect bacon color but chewy. Unless you microwave the crap out of bacon it will always come out chewy. So just take a plate, cover it with a layer of paper towels, line a layer of bacon on it, cover that with another layer of paper towels, layer of bacon, et cetera, until all bacon is on, cover that with a final topping of paper towels, then microwave for about 7 minutes. You'll be doing other things and more then likely the bacon won't be cooked by then but as you're doing other stuff just keep adding a minute or two until it's perfect. Don't let the bacon sit too long after the microwave turns off though if it still needs to be cooked otherwise the additional time will just dry the shit out because it won't get hot enough to reactivate the cooking action. Got it?
  • Clean and dress your chicken breasts. I like to remove all fat folds and also cut out the cartilage that is sometimes left near where the shoulder used to be. Julienne or cube it.
  • In a large sauce pan add a little olive oil and throw in your chicken. Cook it until one or two sides are golden brown. Remove the chicken and set aside.
  • Add a little more EVOO and turn the heat way down. Take your onion and dice it. Once diced, add it to the sauce pan and turn the heat up to medium high. Cook until the onions are translucent and starting to caramelize.
  • Lower the heat to low and add in the crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, chicken broth, wine, and vodka. Stir.
  • Add your herbs to taste. My rule of thumb is generally that I use twice as much basil as I use oregano. So like one tbsp of oregano, two of basil. I have no idea what the fuck marjoram adds but I don't care. Add like a tsp. Be careful with the rosemary. Hopefully you have fresh but if not that's okay. Keep in mind that stored dried herbs only last like six months so if you have some really old shit just toss it the fuck out. Rosemary. Rosemary is a pretty powerful herb and it always pairs well with anything that has cream (hello chicken reisling). I'd add probably 1.5 tbsp. This section is actually really difficult for me because I never, ever use exact measurements for herbs (in fact, I rarely use exact measurements for anything in straight up cooking like this, just baking). I just pile that shit in until I get the flavor I'm looking for. I wouldn't suggest doing that if you're a newb but if you think you've got the chops go nuts. Add your red pepper how you like. I prefer a hint of spicy in my sauce.
  • Slice your black olives if they aren't already. Add the olives and capers.
  • Add your cut up chicken. Stir well.
  • Your bacon should be done by now. Cut it up (a kitchen shears works best) into the sizes you want. I like mine big so like 3/4 of an inch long for me. Add that shit.
  • Turn the heat up to medium and cover the top with a wire mesh cover. Don't cover the damn pan with an actual cover. We're trying to reduce the vodka, chicken broth, and wine to build a cohesive and nicely thickened sauce.
  • Let simmer about half an hour. Don't simmer the shit out of it because it'll get gross if you do. I thought I was going to be all fucking studly once and crockpot this shit for like two hours and it was terrible.
  • Remove from heat and add in the whipping cream. Stir, let sit five minutes; serve.
  • Bon appetito!

Other Stuffs



  • Pair with a red wine, the wine you used in the sauce is fine. I personally prefer a Spanish wine called "Tempranillo." You can get it at any decent liquor store and it'll run you from $10-$30 a bottle depending. The $15 stuff is fine. It's a fantastic red that manages to have incredible body, a perfect balance of sweet and bitter, barely tannic flavor, and it's not very dry either. It's my flat out favorite and it works perfectly with this dish.
  • Noodles. This shit is usually served over noodles and I prefer flat noodles. No, not like linguine or fettuccine, more like bow tie. My personal favorite are the "flower" noodles. Imagine a miniaturized lasagna noodle that is wrapped in the shape of a cone. You want noodles that have knooks for the sauce to get lost in. Don't use fucking macaroni or rigatoni or any type of string noodle.
  • For a garnish you can't go wrong with some fresh parsley but my personal favorite, and it always impresses the women I serve it to, is to grate large thin flakes of asiago over the dish. Asiago is really creamy and nutty tasting. Top that with parsley and it looks really good.
  • Other courses: We Italians love bread so get some bread. My personal favorite is a nice warm loaf of rosemary-olive oil. It's amazing. Don't fucking ruin the dish by serving it with butter you savage. Get a pair of dipping trays, throw in some warm EVOO, and then micrograde some parmesean, romano, or asiago right into it. Eat your bread like a civilized person. Salads always go well with this stuff. I prefer vinaigrette myself. My advice for salads is to crush the croutons up into coarse bits, make sure you have some pine nuts in there, and try out butter leaf lettuce. It's exquisite.

So there it is. If this doesn't get you laid nothing will.

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Zuppa Toscana

This is like the best fucking soup in the history of the world.

 

Ingredient Cost: ~$40.00

Time to Cook: ~60 minutes

 

Ingredients

 

  • 1 lbs ground Italian sausage (linked works to but make sure to remove the casing)
  • 1/2 lbs bacon or pancetta. This may sound like blasphemy but I actually vastly prefer bacon over pancetta because pancetta isn't smoked and with bacon that delicious smokiness transfers well to the liquids and sauces you add it to.
  • 1 large yellow onion, diced
  • 1 quart of water
  • 2 14.5 oz cans of chicken stock
  • 2 cups chopped kale (or swiss chard)
  • 2 garlic cloves (pressed or smashed and chopped)
  • 3 large russet potatoes
  • 1 cup of heavy whipping cream
  • crushed red pepper flake
  • rosemary
  • basil
  • marjoram

Directions

 

  1. Brown the sausage and the cook the bacon. Cut up your bacon to bite size chunks or whatever the fuck size you want. Set aside.
  2. Cube the potatoes. Leave the skin on, it's good shit and as long you don't over cook the piss out of the potatoes they won't fall off and fuck up the soup.
  3. In large pot combine water, stock, garlic, onion, potatoes, and spices (to taste, amounts are up to you). Boil uncovered until potato cubes are tender.
  4. Add the meat! Continue to boil uncovered for about ten minutes.
  5. Chop up the kale (or chard). Throw it in and let it boil for like five minutes.
  6. Turn off the heat and add the cream.
  7. Bon appetito!

Other Stuffs

 

  • Not a lot of notes on this one. Don't pair with a red wine. I'd suggest a white wine but... well, I don't like white wine so I don't drink it.
  • Bread is a must have for this. The more hearty the better. Works great with a big ass rough artisan loaf.

 

This is damn good soup. I made it just last night and at this time of the year I get requests all of the time for it (it's getting cold up here, was twenty degrees last night).

 

Gah, stupid site crash eating my chicken scallopini recipe post I had. I'll get that up sometime.

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Chocolate-Hazelnut Tart

I'm a huge fan of pecan pie and I have a great fudge pecan pie recipe. The addition of a really dark chocolate cuts through the otherwise and often overwhelming sweetness associated with pecan pie and it's corn syrup based filling.

 

This, however, is a step above my fudge pecan pie recipe and also my rum pecan pie recipe. Well, the rum recipe is hella good when it's super fucking rummy but I still like this more.

 

Ingredient Cost: ~$30.00 assuming you have a lot of this shit on hand already (and you should)

Time to Cook: ~60 minutes

 

Ingredients

 

Crust

  • 1/3 cup of food processored (lol at that word) almond slices
  • 1 cup of flour
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 2 tablespoons chilled butter, cubed
  • 2 tablespoons canola oil
  • 1 egg white

Filling

  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
  • 3 eggs, beaten
  • 1 1/2 cups peeled, chopped, and toasted hazelnuts
  • 1 (normal sized) bag of bittersweet chocolate chips
  • 1 cup corn syrup
  • 2 tablespoons butter, melted
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt

Directions

 

Filling

  1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
  2. In a large bowl mix together the sugar and flour.
  3. Add the eggs, hazelnuts. chocolate chips, corn syrup, butter, vanilla, and salt.
  4. Stir well and pour into pie crust.
  5. Bake for 1 hour.

Crust

  1. Mix processed almonds, flour, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and sugar together in a bowl.
  2. Take the chilled butter and cut it into slivers. Throw it in the bowl. Ditto for the oil.
  3. Mix well. Add the egg white.
  4. Roll it out onto a floured counter top or other space and kneed it for about ten minutes.
  5. Roll flat and place in a 9" pan and bake for about eight minutes.
  6. Let cool before filling with the... filling.
  7. Alternatively you could just be a bum and buy a premade pie/tart crust but that make you worse than Hitler.

Other Stuffs

  • To be fancy I like to reserve some of the chocolate and melt it in a ziploc baggie in the microwave. Once it's good and melted I cut off the corner and, using it like a pastry bag, drizzle it over the top of tart. Makes it look fancy.

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[JUSTIFY]Chocolate Dipped Biscotti

Oh biscotti; you are superior to cookies in every way.

 

Ingredient Cost: ~$20.00

Time to Cook: ~45 minutes

 

Ingredients

 

  • 1/2 cup vegetable oil
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 tablespoon anise extract, or 3 drops anise oil
  • 3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1 bag of bitter sweet chocolate chips

Directions

 

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Grease cookie sheet.
  3. In a medium bowl mix together the oil, eggs, sugar and anise flavoring.
  4. Combine the flour and baking powder, stir into the egg mixture to form a heavy dough.
  5. Form the dough into roughly the shape of a loaf of bread. Take care not to tape the ends otherwise it'll bake unevenly.
  6. Bake for like half an hour or so. Remove from the oven and let cool.
  7. Slice your "loaf" into pieces about 3/4" to 1" thick.
  8. Place your slices back on the cookie sheet and bake for another ten minutes on each side.
  9. In a bowl, or tupperware, or whatever the fuck, melt the chocolate chips in the microwave. Try to melt the chips evenly and in as little time possible. The more you overheat the chocolate the longer it takes to "set" back into hardness and not be all greasy turd like.
  10. With the chocolate melted dip the bottoms or one side of your biscotti slices in it and then place on parchment (or wax) paper to set.
  11. It will take hours for the chocolate to set. I usually let it sit overnight to be honest but the process can be expedited if you you have room for the sliced to fit in the fridge. If you try to stack them they'll all stick together and look like dick when you try to pull them apart so don't attempt it.
  12. Bon appetito!

Other Stuffs

 

  • If you'd like an even more chocolatey version simply add 1/2 cup of cocoa powder to the batter. However, when I do opt for the cocoa version I also swap the anise extract for black walnut extract. Just gives a better flavor with that combination.
  • Tastes great dipped in espresso!

Chicks go ape shit over this stuff. This is really one of those crowd pleasers that impresses the ladies. Biscotti just comes across as refined and exotic even though it's easy as hell (easier than making cookies, actually).[/JUSTIFY]

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Chicks go ape shit over this stuff. This is really one of those crowd pleasers that impresses the ladies. Biscotti just comes across as refined and exotic even though it's easy as hell (easier than making cookies, actually).

 

Truth, especially if you don't have any Gelato stores near the trailer park. All I know is that if I said the word "Biscotti" in high school I would've been beaten to a pulp and burned during the next pep rally.

 

Once the pretty ladies see the nice cookies though, a fair exchange of labor takes place and you receive many cookies many days.

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Guest Zenner

I'd say that in about 2 to 3 weeks I'll once again be able to cook. I think I miss it almost as much as you Kav, though I don't think I have quite the skill you recipes display...That being said, I think I'm going to try the chocolate-hazelnut tart for the family on Thanksgiving. I always make a dessert, (or just buy one, blasphemous, I know) and I think this would blow them away...It definitely won't get me laid though.

 

 

 

 

 

At least not this time.

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I'd say that in about 2 to 3 weeks I'll once again be able to cook. I think I miss it almost as much as you Kav, though I don't think I have quite the skill you recipes display...That being said, I think I'm going to try the chocolate-hazelnut tart for the family on Thanksgiving. I always make a dessert, (or just buy one, blasphemous, I know) and I think this would blow them away...It definitely won't get me laid though.

 

 

 

 

 

At least not this time.

 

Hahahahaha, I should hope not. That tart is pretty amazing though; definitely one of my favorite desserts if not the favorite.

 

I think when I get back I'll dedicate a post to Italian wines and their food pairings.

 

But no worries, we'll get ya whipped into culinary shape in no time :)

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I do have a pretty sweet recipe I'll get later this week. It actually did get me laid and everything. Cooked for the GF on Valentine's day and made a delicious tomato gorgonzola sauce that was overflowing with awesome pancetta chunks and fontina stuffed veal meatballs.

 

It was awesome.

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Guest Ironfield
Coming up tomorrow night:

  • Bruschetta (and the difference between bruschetta and crostini);
  • Fontina stuffed veal meatballs; and
  • Tomato gorgonzola cream sauce (loaded with pancetta).

 

Damn that sounds amazing Cav, I look forward to reading those recipes. Whats it going to take to fly you out to my neck of the woods and have you as my personal chef?

 

-Ironfield

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Fontina Stuffed Meatballs in a Tomato Gorgonzola Cream Sauce with Bruschetta Appetizer

 

This shit is pretty off the hook and instant panty-death-ray. Seriously, stuffed meatballs? Yeah, and you make them from scratch to boot so people really think you actually know what you're doing. But in my case I do know... hopefully you can fake it and that's what I'm here for.

 

For those not in the know, gorgonzola is Italy's badass and superior take on bleu cheese. It's not as sharp but much more creamy which makes it terribly conducive to melting in sauces because it mixes so well into the background.

 

Aside from our stuffed meatballs we'll have a second meat: pancetta. What gorgonzola is to bleu, pancetta is to bacon. It's a round cut of cured pork you can pick up from a deli. Do not buy it pre-packaged because it'll more than likely be very thinly sliced and we want it much thicker than that.

 

Ingredient Cost: ~$80

Time to Cook: 90 minutes

 

Ingredients

  • Meatballs

  • 5 tbs extra virgin olive oil

  • 1/2 yellow onion, minced

  • 3 garlic cloves - 2 minced, 1 thinly sliced

  • 1 teaspoon thyme leaves

  • ¼ teaspoon minced rosemary

  • 2 slices sandwich bread, crust removed and torn into 1-inch pieces

  • ⅓ cup whole milk

  • 1½ pounds ground veal

  • 1 egg, lightly beaten

  • ¼ cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese

  • 3 ounces fontina cheese, cut into ½ in cubes

  • Sauce

  • NOODLES!
    This is a pretty great site
    for checking out noodle cuts. My absolute fucking favorite by a million miles is the gigli (yes, like the shitty Ben Affleck movie). Campanelle is also excellent. I tend to steer clear of farfalle because they seem kind of pedestrian to me.

  • 1 28oz can of crushed tomatoes, fire roasted if possible

  • 1 of those small cans of tomato paste

  • 1 large yellow onion

  • black olives

  • capers (in brine)

  • crushed red pepper flake

  • oregano

  • basil

  • marjoram

  • 1 cup of chicken broth

  • 1 cup of Italian red wine

  • gorgonzola cheese

  • 1 pint of heavy whipping cream

  • ½ lb pancetta in ½ inch slices

  • Bruschetta

  • baguette cut into ⅓ inch slices
    on the bias
    (diagonally)

  • extra virgin olive oil

  • 2 garlic cloves

 

Directions

1. The Meatballs

  1. In a medium skillet, heat 2 tbls of the olive oil. Add the diced onion and minced garlic and cook over moderate heat until softened, about 8 minutes. Stir in the thyme leaves and minced rosemary. Transfer to a large bowl and let stand until cool, about 10 minutes.
  2. In a small bowl, soak the bread pieces in the milk until absorbed, about 5 minutes. Squeeze the milk from the bread and transfer the bread to the bowl with onion. Add the veal, egg, and Parmigiano-Reggiano. Season to taste with salt and pepper, mix well with clean hands stuff.
  3. Scoop 1½-tablespoon-sized balls from veal mixture. Stuff a cube of Fontina into the center of each meatball and roll to enclose the cheese. Transfer the meatballs to a rimmed baking sheet and refrigerate that shit for 30 minutes. If you don't the cheese will ooze out of meatballs when you fry them.
  4. In a large skillet, heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil. Cook the meatballs in batches over moderately high heat until browned all over, about 6 minutes. Return meatballs to baking sheet.
  5. As your meatballs finish cooking transfer them into an oven safe container and cover with tin foil. When completely done stick the meatballs in the oven to keep them warm.

2. The Sauce

  1. Get your big ass pot for the noodles ready to go. Throw in some water, EVOO, and maybe a few herbs if you like. Warm that water up. Remember to time your noodles so they're done when the sauce is basically done. Don't geek out too much though because so long as you have the water hot the bulk of the waiting game is over. Just get that water hot.
  2. Your pancetta will be cut into round slices so take a big ass skillet pan and throw that shit in there. You're gonna need another big skillet pan but it has to fit inside of the skillet you're using to cook the pancetta. Why, you ask? Because the pancetta will bubble like a motherfucker and be a bitch to cook evenly so ya gotta put some weight on it to keep the slices flat as they cook. Now, you can use anything you want so long as it holds your pancetta slices flat against the skillet. And remember, almost any-fucking-thing can be used for this if you just throw some tin foil on the bottom of it so don't look too hard. I cooked some slices up for breakfast today for my girlfriend and I just used a sauce pan filled with water to keep'em flat. Keep in mind it basically cooks like bacon you want the fat nice and crispy and the meat crispy yet a little tender yet. And remember, you gotta flip the slices and shit once one side is done.
  3. Once your pancetta is cooked julienne that shit.
  4. In a large, deep saute pan add some EVOO and turn the heat way down. Take your onion and dice it. Once diced, add it to the sauce pan and turn the heat up to medium high. Cook until the onions are translucent and starting to caramelize.
  5. Lower the heat to low and add in the crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, chicken broth, and wine. Stir.
  6. Add your herbs to taste. Remember, 2 parts basil to every 1 part oregano. You could throw in some leftover rosemary and thyme from the meatballs here if you'd like.
  7. Slice your black olives if they aren't already. Add the olives and capers.
  8. Add your pancetta.
  9. Turn the heat up to medium and cover the top with a wire mesh cover. Don't cover the pan! We're trying to reduce here.
  10. Let simmer about half an hour.
  11. Now is a good time to throw your noodles in.
  12. Dice up like 6 oz of that gorgonzola cheese. You could add a little more if you like it cheesy or a little less. I generally use slightly more than a half of a gorgonzola cheese wedge which I think is like... 10 oz or so. Melt the cheese until it's fully blended into the sauce.
  13. Add in the whipping cream, mix well.
  14. Take your meatballs and add them as well. Turn the heat way down and just let the meatballs soak up some sauce for like five minutes. Don't go stir crazy because the meatballs are pretty fragile.
  15. Pour your sauce over the noodles (on the plate, when serving; don't mix them beforehand) and serve. I like to garnish with asiago cheese or parmasean cheese shavings. Makes it pretty.
  16. Bon appetito!

3. Bruschetta

  1. Remember to cut your baguette into thinnish slices on the bias. Place them on a baking sheet and set your oven to broil.
  2. Throw some EVOO into a bowl and get out your marinade brush. If you don't have one any clean brush will work... I guess. You can also get away with simply drizzling over the top of the bread. But yeah, put a solid coat of EVOO on top of all the slices.
  3. Throw it on the broiler. We wanna crisp up and lightly brown the top. BROILERS WORK FAST. Seriously, a minute or two is all ya need.
  4. Remove the baking sheet. While the bread is still hot take your peeled garlic cloves and "grate" them on the bread directly. Like, just hold a clove and "sand" it away onto the bread. So imagine the bread like sandpaper. Do this with every slice.
  5. Garnish with parmesan cheese. You can throw it back into the broiler if you wanna melt/crisp up the parmesan cheese a litte.

----

 

So yeah, this one is fairly advanced and takes a little effort but it's just that fucking good so worth it in the end. Enjoy!

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Guest Ironfield
Hmmm, since you're a man... a lot:p

 

Damn :(. Ah well, good looking woman are slim pickings as it is out here. So maybe it is best if you stay stateside and give us none chefs are fighting chance to woo the ladies, via our use of the restaurants out here to wine and dine them. However now I'll have these amazing recipes of yours in my arsenal of charms.

 

So cheers to you Cav and keep those recipes of yours coming.

 

-Ironfield

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