Something's happened to me . . . even the pen feels foreign in my hand . It's been so long since I've written in this journal but I don't understand why I keep trying or what it might mean in the future just to have these records. Forget grammar and punctuation, this is for me... to sort things out in my head . so much is happening my head and feels like its just spinning with events and emotions that I didn't think that Fraals could have.
if I look at this logically, its not I wonder with all that has happened, the negative is all I know and recognize anymore, and I don't like that. Life is so much more complicated now out of pure survival in the corruption all around me. Parts of it I like and parts I don’t. That is not what I want to recognize in my life just because the world does, though. I like who I was and still am trying to be. I have to somehow turn this way of thinking around so that I don’t go down the same path.
I can't be too hard on myself though; I am flesh and therefore am fallible like anyone else that is flesh, no matter what the race is. I'm afraid my life is without purpose other than this ship and both of us being used by past and present as a means to a selfish end that I don't understand quite yet. I know I was kept alive by my father all these years just so I could be a vessel for him to make his own powers more powerful?? I need a trick up my sleeve, just in case he or anyone blocks my psi powers with something. I need to talk to Yarg, but damn if I know where he is right now. I'm glad my father didn’t get what he wanted last time I saw him, but he sure taught me many powerful lessons from that night... who I don't want to be, who I know I am and glad of it, and opened my eyes to things I need to be aware of in this world. it was weird though, he seemed a bit... different yet the same. Did he have a twin I didn't know about? I know I had an uncle but I don't know if he is dead or alive. Either way, he posed as my father and looked like him. I don't know what is real anymore in some things. But aaah, no sense in fretting over that, I'll just pay attention to what I know is real and the rest will hopefully show itself in time.
I have been doing a lot of research lately on psi powers that I was never taught growing up because I only discovered I had them in that cave. It makes me wonder how my father knew I was supposedly so powerful even though I never was allowed to use them or was given the chance to develop them. I just assumed I didn’t have them. In fact he told me I didn’t have any, yet all those strange things would seem to happen and seemed to use that “undo” power he had a lot. I thought it was something my sisters did. There is so much I don’t know and understand. At least my father is predictable in that I know what he wants. He’s clever, and strategic, but equally arrogant and stupid due to his obsession. But I do know one thing, my father is the least of my worries. There are so many more dangerous things out there with more dangerous motivations. Sam taught me that. Sam.... god I miss her.
**setting the pen down, she reach into one of her bio holsters and pulls out a small piece of cloth matching the missing piece at the waist of her robes that Sam bought her. As she pulls it out of her holster and starts sliding it around her fingers she can’t help but think about the wonder that she found this piece of cloth on her ship before Sam even ordered the robes to give her as a gift. Putting the cloth back into the bio-holster and locking it back into place, she whispers to herself, “I need answers... I’m afraid for the ship...” acutely aware of how loud the whisper she just said was.**
Sam, I don’t have you to talk to anymore, but I do have an idea! I’ll ask the whispers... I can hear them now better than ever... so much has gone on I have not thought to talk to them. I hope they will understand and I know they appreciate all they have done for me. You know what Sam, I’m sitting here smiling, can you believe it? I have several ideas now! Thanks for the inspiration. Now I will ask the old man caesar to help me just in case prying eyes make their way here. No one knows who he is that I know of, but maybe that one piece of information from him can help me with my ship. But I will ask them verbally but will make record of it perhaps for you in the future or past, or whenever you might be. (wouldn’t you all be surprised at me doing encryption! I will do it twice at the same level... I can’t do encryption like you can Sam, no one can top you in my eyes. But laugh though, my head will warp I think.) Well, here goes!
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